By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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