My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
