Acid is not a monday night drug
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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