The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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