Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
