Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
