My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
