You made me cry and you don't even care
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
