after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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