at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
