Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
