Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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