getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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