great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
