Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
