or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
