he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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