If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
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The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
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Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.