i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.