theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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