New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
