Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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