You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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