I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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