We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
