I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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