Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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