I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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