Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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