I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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