I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Two words: nipple clamps
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