If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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