Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
