And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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