i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
