is your mom at the bar?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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