i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
