Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
