I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
