just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
