u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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