We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
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Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
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I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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