Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
