I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Four minutes until I can fart!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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