I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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