we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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