I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
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So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
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plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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