Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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