I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
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So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
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I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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