I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
