He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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