I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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