It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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