What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
