Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
